Why I Don’t Believe in “Getting Over” Someone

“You just have to get over them!”

I’m sure you’ve heard this sentence before, and if you haven’t been told it, you’ve definitely heard someone say it. Maybe you were the one who said it.

Funny enough, I’ve never been a believer in getting over people. Even before I was in a relationship, it didn’t seem that realistic to me — the idea of pushing someone aside who was a key component of your life just didn’t make sense to me. I always felt like there had to be more to it than that.

I remember that I had the biggest crush on this guy when I was 15. We volunteered together at a cat shelter, and even though we were both awkward as hell around each other because, well, we were 15, we would stay up for hours on the phone, talking about our lives, our hopes for the future, and anything that came to our minds. And when we weren’t on the phone, we were taking care of cats together. Sounds pretty awesome, right?

Things were like that for a few months — really good. We ended up becoming close friends, texting, calling, and talking constantly. We were still super awkward around each other, but things were probably as good as they could be for a couple of 15-year-olds.

Suddenly, though, he pulled away from me. I still don’t know why, but just as quickly as we had become close friends who shared our lives with each other, it felt like we now had become little more than strangers.

No more texts. Hardly any calls. I wondered what I did wrong, but I just didn’t know. And no matter how many times I asked what was going on, he wasn’t giving me any answers. I tried to keep the relationship with him as best as I knew how to, but have you ever been to a party where you only know one person, and when they inevitably leave you alone at some point, you’re just standing there trying to look as small as possible? Talking to him felt like that kind of awkward.

Eventually, it just became too much for me; I cared about him a lot and didn’t want to lose him, but I had to do something. Admittedly, I was pretty honest to a fault at 15 (and still am at times), so I decided to leave the cat shelter and send a text basically telling him that I had stopped volunteering, didn’t understand why he was acting like kind of a jerk, but if he still wanted to be my friend, I was game.

Yeah, I got no response.

I was hung up on that boy for months. It felt like he was stuck in my mind for the longest time, and I just couldn’t get him out. Eventually, though, time healed my wounds; Taylor Swift’s songs stopped being about him, and I moved forward with new crushes and different people that I fell for. I’ve also become a lot more tactful, thankfully.

But even though I’ve well-moved on from that guy, I never got “over” him. In fact, I’m not over anyone I’ve ever loved or cared about.

I’ve had my fair share of crushes, a couple of one-night flings, and I’ve been in a serious relationship. No matter how hard I’ve tried to “get over” someone, whether it was that serious relationship or a sweet guy I met overseas, I still can’t completely forget them. I’ve dyed my hair, stalked cute guys on Instagram, looked at BuzzFeed article after BuzzFeed article, and written poetry for hours on end to try and forget the way someone made me feel.

Here’s what I’ve learned: you could write all of the poetry in the world, stalk every cute person on Instagram, and read every article online to try and forget someone, but when it comes down to it, that person still made a pretty big dent in your heart and brain. You’re not just going to forget someone who meant enough to you to make that dent.

The sentence “getting over someone” tends to signify that this person was supposed to only matter to you for a specified period of time. It preaches that you were allowed to love and want them when they were actively in your life, and maybe even have a little room to grieve over them, but after that it should have been “see you later!”. Similar to unfollowing someone on Instagram or getting rid of that sweater you know you’ve been holding onto for a bit too long, there is supposed to be this sense of “it’s finally over and they have no place in my life or memories anymore”.

I don’t think that’s very realistic, though. I mean, it’s a great sentiment and there have been many times in which I desperately wished that it was realistic, but people stay with us. No matter who they are or how badly they hurt us, they remain a part of us because at one point or another, they were a part of us. Keep in mind, this person probably meant a great deal to you at one point or another. You can’t just get over the person you, at one time, dreamed that you might spend the rest of your life with. You can’t just forget about the friend you thought would always have your back. You can’t just stop wondering about these people, even if only from time to time.

Expecting someone to just “get over” another valuable, beautiful, and imperfect human being is a very miscalculated assumption. Hell, I still think about that boy I mentioned every once in a while to this day, nearly five years later. Sometimes, people we have only known for even the briefest moments can have some of the most profound impacts on our lives. It doesn’t always necessarily matter how long someone has been in our lives or whether their role was of a partner, friend, or stranger on the train, but rather, the value they added while they were with us.

No matter what the situation was or who these people are, losing someone you love — in any way, shape, or form — is painful. It doesn’t matter whether you broke up with someone, lost touch with someone, or cut off a toxic family member; loss in any way stings. The quantity and intensity might differ, but a cut is still a cut, whether it’s from paper or a blade.

Now, to be fair, I don’t think that you should just wallow over someone forever. I’m a firm believer in moving on from people, but it’s important to highlight that moving on from someone is a very different thing than being over them. Moving on is understanding that you have a life beyond this person and you deserve to live it to the fullest — it’s learning to be okay again without them, little by little.

Everyone’s process of moving forward and going through their emotions is different. I think that some move on more easily than others, while some people like myself might need to take more time to move on from someone. But at the end of the day, moving on is not about forgetting someone existed; it’s understanding that they will always mean something to you, but you also have to put down the ice cream, dry your tears, and get back to living the life you still have. Just a little differently, now.

The relationships we have with people are some of the most intricate, delicate, and beautiful parts of being alive. So, at the end of the day, I’m okay with not being over someone. I think that we should give ourselves the ability and freedom to let people stay with us, even if that's simply through a fond memory that hits us at night or an old picture we reminisce upon, if only for a moment. I think that those who meant the most to us will always be with us somewhere in this crazy, heartbreaking, and beautiful planet, and perhaps that isn’t such a bad thing.