The World is Reopening — And I’m Terrified
I was scheduled to get my first vaccine shot next week, but a faster than anticipated move is forcing me to cancel it. So, I have to wait for another month or two before I can sign up again in the state I’m moving to. I’m heartbroken… and yet, a part of me feels a bit relieved.
First, let me make it clear that I’m not an anti-vaxxer. At all. I booked an appointment the same day eligibility for everyone opened in my current state. Though I only had to wait a few months to book my appointment from when the U.S. began administering vaccines, it felt like an eternity. After a year plus of working from home, studying from home, and looking through countless old travel photos, I’ve wanted nothing more than to go anywhere besides my living room with as many people as possible (that don’t live with me).
But truth be told? I’m also terrified of going out again — even safely.
When the pandemic began shutting down everything in the world, it was all so sudden. I mean, just the week before, I was attending college classes, working a part-time job as a barista at a bustling café, and going out nearly every night with friends or my boyfriend. Flash forward a week later, and all of that stopped. Classes went remote. My café shut down. Suddenly, I was struggling to figure out how to keep my friendships and relationships afloat — as well as my mental health.
Life went on, though, each day feeling more like groundhog day than the last. I finished my final semesters of community college completely online, and I began working from home remotely and full-time. My life, in a nutshell, went fully remote overnight. And all I’ve wanted throughout this entire pandemic is to go back to normal life. But after over a year into this pandemic, the idea of living my pre-pandemic life now scares me because that lifestyle doesn’t even feel normal anymore.
To put this in further context, I went to get my hair done at a busy hair salon last week. I felt completely overwhelmed during my appointment — and my hairstylist was my sister. On a whim, I also recently went out to eat at a restaurant with my household members for the first time since… well, a very long time, and I felt so guilty — even though the restaurant was nearly empty and I kept my mask on for most of the time.
Those things used to just be normal and fun things for me to do. But now, they feel like the least normal things in the world, and I think that is the underlying thing that scares me the most. How am I going to readjust to living life (somewhat) normally again?
In other words, how am I supposed to live my best life when going to the grocery store still terrifies me? Am I going to remember how to socialize after avoiding people like the plague (no pun intended) for over a year? What on earth is dating even going to be like? When will I feel safe again?
There are so many unknowns after being in this cycle for so long and I’m nervous about transitioning out of it. I’m slowly working my way up to going out a bit more — going to get coffee more often, shopping at local stores, and going to a restaurant here and there, for example, in an attempt to build up my resilience again. Even going out and getting coffee can feel exhausting at times, but I suppose the only thing any of us can do is to be patient with ourselves and each other and take one day at a time.
Of course, I know that we will all adapt to our new normal (humans are amazingly adaptive, aren’t we?) when it arrives. One day, we truly will be able to look back at this period of time as just a really awful, long, and boring nightmare. But the transition process will perhaps be the hardest for those like me who can’t wait to get out in the world again yet are also completely terrified of it.
Thankfully, even though it doesn’t always feel like it, we’re all in this together. So let’s give ourselves and each other the grace and compassion we deserve after this truly bizarre historical event. Because we’re nearly at the finish line — we just have to cross it, one step at a time, no matter how slow those steps might be.
